I had dreams and plans to get my associate and bachelors degree. I made the plan to start college at 17 and be out by the time I was 22. My goal was to start teaching at 22. It was possible. I had a goal, a plan. I broke it.
I broke it.
I BROKE it.
It was not my choice though.
NOT my choice.
Life happened. My grandpa died, my parents got a bit crazier...and soon I was out of my plan. First it was a semester. Then it was permanent. I finished my associates a semester behind. Partially my choice, partially not. I was determined to go to the University of Central Florida. I had it planned out. Applied, got accepted...and flopped.
How did I flop? I was a push over. I quit everything and got a full time job. At one point I was working two jobs. I stopped MY education and stopped paying MY bills to help pay for everyone else's. The college was across the street.
It got to the point where I was sinking. Sinking into a world that was not mine and not caring if I lived or died. It was what it was.
Time passed. I finally broke free.
Broke my grandmas heart and moved. Moved 3,000 miles to Yakima WA. She understood and still loved me, but it broke her heart. Her main reaction was...How will I pay the bills?
Those words haunted me for months.
We talked a lot and I know deep down she was happy I broke free from my parents. I was beginning to live life again. Far away.
Fast forward 5 years. I finally started getting my Bachelor's at Heritage. Somewhere in the process my grandma died and my parents moved to Washington. I had to complete 3 years because of make up credits and wonderful errors.
I finally reached the end to my plan in 2013. I graduated with a 3.93 and pretty gold cords.
My dad would not stand for a picture. Like high school graduation, my parents did not give me flowers. Nor a card. I barely remember a "congrats".
I eventually understood that my validation came from above and I did this for myself. I broke the mold. I rose above what I was raised in and what I came from. My mom got kicked out of 3 adventist academies and had to go to night school for a diploma. My dad was a dropout.
Now, I am happily working on my Master's degree. As far as I know, that is a first on my dad's side.
Challenges arise and the plans made may be broken...
Yet,
you can still rise above.
You CAN shine.
Always remember that.
Monday, August 22, 2016
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Writing Challenge Catch Up
Heartache.
My earliest heartache was having my parents hand me over at a young age. Grandma and Grandpa saved the day. They took care of me on and off for years.
My parents missed out on so much.
Never went to a single tennis match. Never went to a softball game (except 1 in middle school). Missed all of my choir and band concerts. Did not visit me when I was in the hospital because I was suicidal.
My father refused to stand out of his wheelchair for my graduation photo. He was fully capable. Last year, he got up and petted and hugged on a horse at the fair.
It goes on and on. At some point, you have to stop caring. That was my first heartache of many. It also explains my mommy and daddy issues.
Taste of a memory.
I was very close to my grandparents. They essentially raised me. Once upon a time, my grandpa fell. He never told my grandma and ended up with a giant hernia...where his intestines hung down to his parts. . He was mid 70's...I think he knew. Knew his body was not strong.
Before the surgery, they put a pacemaker in. A few weeks later they operated on the hernia. Going into surgery, he offered me a diet pepsi and a ding dong- that was their favorite snack. He came out the first time fine, then he had internal bleeding. Eventually, the family went home. I refused. I stayed. I was in the waiting room, when my dad fought with me on the phone to come home. I refused. I got into a shouting match in the waiting room. Along came a high school teacher of mine assuring me it would be ok. It wasn't. I stayed. My friend Jon called and asked if I wanted to hang out. I explained the circumstances and where I was. He ended up coming to hang out with me. He asked what I needed- I said a soda and a bible. At one point, I told him he could go home whenever he wanted. He said school is cancelled tomorrow because of the hurricanes ( this happened between two of 3 hurricanes). I am staying here until you leave. At 3am, the nurse woke us up and told me to get the family down here for he was not going to make it. Jon never left. He stayed, prayed with people for their sickness. Waited it out. We ended up in my grandpas hospital room, all in a circle with my grandma under the bed. We watched him flatline, and she could tell by our faces. He passed away around 9:20am. I drove home with her that day and never moved back home. She needed me....after loosing her husband of 53 years. Grieving took a long time... especially since his room and bathroom became mine. Taste of a memory....of love and loss...
Ritual.
My favorite ritual used to be when my spiritual momma and dad would hug me before bed and pray over me. Another favorite ritual was when we used to hold hands as a family and pray every night. Then everyone grew up and moved out... Then they moved to California. Some things change, but memories always stay the same.
In 5 years.
I would love to have my National Board Cert.
I would love to be in a relationship.
I would love to have had a man finally tell me I was beautiful and have flowers delivered for my birthday.
I would love to have lost 200 pounds.
I would love to have my debt paid off.
I would love to have traveled someplace fun and far!
Home.
Home changed many times growing up. Now, I consider home...to be Yakima, WA. For years I still called Orlando home. November 1st will be my 10th anniversary of moving from everything I have ever known. Home. It does not have to be a place, but where your heart is. Friends, my heart has landed in the Pacific Northwest.
An adventure you hope to have.
I would love to geocache on some big road trip. Travel. Drive. Go to as many states as possible and find as many geocaches as possible! It would also be fun to travel the world, see the 7 wonders...and geocache.
My earliest heartache was having my parents hand me over at a young age. Grandma and Grandpa saved the day. They took care of me on and off for years.
My parents missed out on so much.
Never went to a single tennis match. Never went to a softball game (except 1 in middle school). Missed all of my choir and band concerts. Did not visit me when I was in the hospital because I was suicidal.
My father refused to stand out of his wheelchair for my graduation photo. He was fully capable. Last year, he got up and petted and hugged on a horse at the fair.
It goes on and on. At some point, you have to stop caring. That was my first heartache of many. It also explains my mommy and daddy issues.
Taste of a memory.
I was very close to my grandparents. They essentially raised me. Once upon a time, my grandpa fell. He never told my grandma and ended up with a giant hernia...where his intestines hung down to his parts. . He was mid 70's...I think he knew. Knew his body was not strong.
Before the surgery, they put a pacemaker in. A few weeks later they operated on the hernia. Going into surgery, he offered me a diet pepsi and a ding dong- that was their favorite snack. He came out the first time fine, then he had internal bleeding. Eventually, the family went home. I refused. I stayed. I was in the waiting room, when my dad fought with me on the phone to come home. I refused. I got into a shouting match in the waiting room. Along came a high school teacher of mine assuring me it would be ok. It wasn't. I stayed. My friend Jon called and asked if I wanted to hang out. I explained the circumstances and where I was. He ended up coming to hang out with me. He asked what I needed- I said a soda and a bible. At one point, I told him he could go home whenever he wanted. He said school is cancelled tomorrow because of the hurricanes ( this happened between two of 3 hurricanes). I am staying here until you leave. At 3am, the nurse woke us up and told me to get the family down here for he was not going to make it. Jon never left. He stayed, prayed with people for their sickness. Waited it out. We ended up in my grandpas hospital room, all in a circle with my grandma under the bed. We watched him flatline, and she could tell by our faces. He passed away around 9:20am. I drove home with her that day and never moved back home. She needed me....after loosing her husband of 53 years. Grieving took a long time... especially since his room and bathroom became mine. Taste of a memory....of love and loss...
Ritual.
My favorite ritual used to be when my spiritual momma and dad would hug me before bed and pray over me. Another favorite ritual was when we used to hold hands as a family and pray every night. Then everyone grew up and moved out... Then they moved to California. Some things change, but memories always stay the same.
In 5 years.
I would love to have my National Board Cert.
I would love to be in a relationship.
I would love to have had a man finally tell me I was beautiful and have flowers delivered for my birthday.
I would love to have lost 200 pounds.
I would love to have my debt paid off.
I would love to have traveled someplace fun and far!
Home.
Home changed many times growing up. Now, I consider home...to be Yakima, WA. For years I still called Orlando home. November 1st will be my 10th anniversary of moving from everything I have ever known. Home. It does not have to be a place, but where your heart is. Friends, my heart has landed in the Pacific Northwest.
An adventure you hope to have.
I would love to geocache on some big road trip. Travel. Drive. Go to as many states as possible and find as many geocaches as possible! It would also be fun to travel the world, see the 7 wonders...and geocache.
Monday, August 15, 2016
Writing Challenge- Soft Focus
Soft Focus.
This has two definitons. One deals with photography and the other deals with producing a lack of definiton.
I will go with a lack of definiton, even though I absolutely love photography.
Definiton. I am a person who loves detail. If you tell me to do something, I need a smuch detail as possible. Where, what size, color, how, etc.
It comes with the obsession of not wanting to disappoint or make a mistake. That is totally unrealistic because I am not perfect.
Sometimes, I get flustered by a lack of definition.
This goes for a spiritual context too.
Church. What are the boundaries within leadership?
What constitutes being part of leadrship?
Does the worship team count as leadership? Do they have the same expectations?
What are the exact expectations for us as Christians?
Biblical things can be gray as well.
In all of these things, I feel like there is a soft focus or a lack of definiton.
For a peace of mind, I need definiton.
I am thankful for the Lord holding my hand and walking me through....at least that and his love are defined!
This has two definitons. One deals with photography and the other deals with producing a lack of definiton.
I will go with a lack of definiton, even though I absolutely love photography.
Definiton. I am a person who loves detail. If you tell me to do something, I need a smuch detail as possible. Where, what size, color, how, etc.
It comes with the obsession of not wanting to disappoint or make a mistake. That is totally unrealistic because I am not perfect.
Sometimes, I get flustered by a lack of definition.
This goes for a spiritual context too.
Church. What are the boundaries within leadership?
What constitutes being part of leadrship?
Does the worship team count as leadership? Do they have the same expectations?
What are the exact expectations for us as Christians?
Biblical things can be gray as well.
In all of these things, I feel like there is a soft focus or a lack of definiton.
For a peace of mind, I need definiton.
I am thankful for the Lord holding my hand and walking me through....at least that and his love are defined!
Sunday, August 14, 2016
Writing Challenge Day 4
Fears Within.
I am naturally a negative person. It is how I was raised.For so many years I felt like I was drowning. Drowning in a sea of my past and who I was being told to be.
I am NOT who people wanted me to be. I became something more. I rose above the challenges. Fought for my education and for emotional and spiritual health. In a sense, I broke free.
I still struggle with fear. Fear that I will fail and disappoint those around me. Fear that I will give in to the temptations of this world.
Fear that I will not marry.
Fear that my debt will never be paid off.
Fear that I won't have kids.
Fear that a man will never love me.
Fear that I will fall into old ways and damage myself.
Fear that I won't loose the weight.
Fear that I will fail at my job.
Fear that I will let go of God.
Fear that I will slip into the dark.
Fear that I'll never accept myself fully for who I am.
fear.
FEAR.
Fear.
It is there- it is real.
Hold me Jesus. Filter out the fear within.
I am naturally a negative person. It is how I was raised.For so many years I felt like I was drowning. Drowning in a sea of my past and who I was being told to be.
I am NOT who people wanted me to be. I became something more. I rose above the challenges. Fought for my education and for emotional and spiritual health. In a sense, I broke free.
I still struggle with fear. Fear that I will fail and disappoint those around me. Fear that I will give in to the temptations of this world.
Fear that I will not marry.
Fear that my debt will never be paid off.
Fear that I won't have kids.
Fear that a man will never love me.
Fear that I will fall into old ways and damage myself.
Fear that I won't loose the weight.
Fear that I will fail at my job.
Fear that I will let go of God.
Fear that I will slip into the dark.
Fear that I'll never accept myself fully for who I am.
fear.
FEAR.
Fear.
It is there- it is real.
Hold me Jesus. Filter out the fear within.
Saturday, August 13, 2016
Writing Challenge, Days 1,2, and 3
I joined a writing challenge! I have a lot to catch up on, so here are the first three days!
Day 1- a dream
Day 2- your reality
Day 3- last night
Day 1- A dream. My dream. My dream is to be small. My dream is to loose all of the weight I carry and become within normal range. Normal, as in healthy. My dream is to no longer be considered grossly obese. This is not meant as a negative diss to myself. It is meant in a way that is honest and true. When I started my weight loss journey, I was 361 pounds. I am now bordering 346. I hate when people say I am beautiful the way I am. Yes, God created me in his image. I do not doubt that. But due to things out of my control ( and some within my control) I got this big. I don't think that was God's original design for me. I dream of a day when I do not stick out in a crowd because of my size. I dream of a day when a man sees me for who I am and not just the size of me.
Day 2- My reality. My reality is a place where only I know. Today's reality is that I am feeling emotionally down, but it is because of the enemy. I let something so minor get to me, but I know it is just satan trying to win his game. Well, it is working - but I am fighting. Today's other reality is I talk a lot. I never shut up. I don't know why I do it. Then again, I can't stop either. I have tried. I have cried out to God. Sometimes, I do not want the voice I have. I wish I was a woman of few words. I see the looks people give me. I see the looks at work when people wish I would stop talking. I see the looks from people who think I am strange. My reality is I don't know where I fit in life. I love my career- but there has to be more. I feel lost- and have for awhile. I feel lost at my church. I feel lost in my family. I feel lost around my friends. Reality is I am a face lost in the crowd. The big reality is though that God loves me just as I am, flaws and all.
Day 3- Last night. Board game night at North Town. My heart fills with joy hanging out with fellow board gamers. I own my nerdiness. I learned new games. Played with a group I am not accustomed to. Enjoyed every moment. Enjoyed spending time with an old acquaintance/friend and introducing him to random new people. I also took a stand when someone wanted to talk to me privately. I told him I do not go off alone. He apologized for offending me last week. Well, dude, yeah. I had a right to be. Who in their right mind makes a joke about raping babies? Don't try to blame it on being a former sailor. Nor your social awkwardness. Aside form that, last night was enjoyable. Blended chocolate chai, seeing Karen and Michael, hanging out with pretty good people, playing copious amounts of board games? A night I will take any day.
Day 1- a dream
Day 2- your reality
Day 3- last night
Day 1- A dream. My dream. My dream is to be small. My dream is to loose all of the weight I carry and become within normal range. Normal, as in healthy. My dream is to no longer be considered grossly obese. This is not meant as a negative diss to myself. It is meant in a way that is honest and true. When I started my weight loss journey, I was 361 pounds. I am now bordering 346. I hate when people say I am beautiful the way I am. Yes, God created me in his image. I do not doubt that. But due to things out of my control ( and some within my control) I got this big. I don't think that was God's original design for me. I dream of a day when I do not stick out in a crowd because of my size. I dream of a day when a man sees me for who I am and not just the size of me.
Day 2- My reality. My reality is a place where only I know. Today's reality is that I am feeling emotionally down, but it is because of the enemy. I let something so minor get to me, but I know it is just satan trying to win his game. Well, it is working - but I am fighting. Today's other reality is I talk a lot. I never shut up. I don't know why I do it. Then again, I can't stop either. I have tried. I have cried out to God. Sometimes, I do not want the voice I have. I wish I was a woman of few words. I see the looks people give me. I see the looks at work when people wish I would stop talking. I see the looks from people who think I am strange. My reality is I don't know where I fit in life. I love my career- but there has to be more. I feel lost- and have for awhile. I feel lost at my church. I feel lost in my family. I feel lost around my friends. Reality is I am a face lost in the crowd. The big reality is though that God loves me just as I am, flaws and all.
Day 3- Last night. Board game night at North Town. My heart fills with joy hanging out with fellow board gamers. I own my nerdiness. I learned new games. Played with a group I am not accustomed to. Enjoyed every moment. Enjoyed spending time with an old acquaintance/friend and introducing him to random new people. I also took a stand when someone wanted to talk to me privately. I told him I do not go off alone. He apologized for offending me last week. Well, dude, yeah. I had a right to be. Who in their right mind makes a joke about raping babies? Don't try to blame it on being a former sailor. Nor your social awkwardness. Aside form that, last night was enjoyable. Blended chocolate chai, seeing Karen and Michael, hanging out with pretty good people, playing copious amounts of board games? A night I will take any day.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Morning Ramblings
Just some ramblings from my brain this morning.
How badly I want Jesus to come back, to end this suffering. Yet another death yesterday- this time the grandson of one of the most faith filled people I know. It was not just a death, it was a suicide. I am so SICK of the enemy getting into the heads of young people and skewing how they think just for his benefit. I come from an area where I used to be suicidal. It is this crazy thought process that consumes you and it is DIFFICULT to get out of! I am so thankful I was spared. I have watched people I care about loose loved ones this summer at an alarming rate. I know it is the cycle of life, but some of these people have been way too young. Babies born without a proper skull and brain and dying, people dying of uranium poisoning, pulmonary issues, dying on an operating table, etc.
Jesus, so many in pain! Can you please just give people rest, comfort and peace today? Help us live out this life we are still in. I am sorry for getting so caught up in the world around me. So many times I want to walk away. Not from you Lord, but from things like church. I am not perfect and I have many dark areas I am walking through. But I get so frustrated when I see people blinded by the smallest things that are glaringly wrong.
I also get frustrated by my selfish ways and other sins, but that is beside the point.
I want you. I want to serve you. I want to be passionately in love with you. But yet.... I don't. I can't. Why? When will my heart start coming after you?
I want to be in your word. I want to journal and do my devotions. I want to spend time in worship. Yet I do not. I want that living, thriving relationship with you. Yet...I do not pursue you. Please Lord! break these walls!
How badly I want Jesus to come back, to end this suffering. Yet another death yesterday- this time the grandson of one of the most faith filled people I know. It was not just a death, it was a suicide. I am so SICK of the enemy getting into the heads of young people and skewing how they think just for his benefit. I come from an area where I used to be suicidal. It is this crazy thought process that consumes you and it is DIFFICULT to get out of! I am so thankful I was spared. I have watched people I care about loose loved ones this summer at an alarming rate. I know it is the cycle of life, but some of these people have been way too young. Babies born without a proper skull and brain and dying, people dying of uranium poisoning, pulmonary issues, dying on an operating table, etc.
Jesus, so many in pain! Can you please just give people rest, comfort and peace today? Help us live out this life we are still in. I am sorry for getting so caught up in the world around me. So many times I want to walk away. Not from you Lord, but from things like church. I am not perfect and I have many dark areas I am walking through. But I get so frustrated when I see people blinded by the smallest things that are glaringly wrong.
I also get frustrated by my selfish ways and other sins, but that is beside the point.
I want you. I want to serve you. I want to be passionately in love with you. But yet.... I don't. I can't. Why? When will my heart start coming after you?
I want to be in your word. I want to journal and do my devotions. I want to spend time in worship. Yet I do not. I want that living, thriving relationship with you. Yet...I do not pursue you. Please Lord! break these walls!
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