Fears Within.
I am naturally a negative person. It is how I was raised.For so many years I felt like I was drowning. Drowning in a sea of my past and who I was being told to be.
I am NOT who people wanted me to be. I became something more. I rose above the challenges. Fought for my education and for emotional and spiritual health. In a sense, I broke free.
I still struggle with fear. Fear that I will fail and disappoint those around me. Fear that I will give in to the temptations of this world.
Fear that I will not marry.
Fear that my debt will never be paid off.
Fear that I won't have kids.
Fear that a man will never love me.
Fear that I will fall into old ways and damage myself.
Fear that I won't loose the weight.
Fear that I will fail at my job.
Fear that I will let go of God.
Fear that I will slip into the dark.
Fear that I'll never accept myself fully for who I am.
fear.
FEAR.
Fear.
It is there- it is real.
Hold me Jesus. Filter out the fear within.
Sunday, August 14, 2016
Saturday, August 13, 2016
Writing Challenge, Days 1,2, and 3
I joined a writing challenge! I have a lot to catch up on, so here are the first three days!
Day 1- a dream
Day 2- your reality
Day 3- last night
Day 1- A dream. My dream. My dream is to be small. My dream is to loose all of the weight I carry and become within normal range. Normal, as in healthy. My dream is to no longer be considered grossly obese. This is not meant as a negative diss to myself. It is meant in a way that is honest and true. When I started my weight loss journey, I was 361 pounds. I am now bordering 346. I hate when people say I am beautiful the way I am. Yes, God created me in his image. I do not doubt that. But due to things out of my control ( and some within my control) I got this big. I don't think that was God's original design for me. I dream of a day when I do not stick out in a crowd because of my size. I dream of a day when a man sees me for who I am and not just the size of me.
Day 2- My reality. My reality is a place where only I know. Today's reality is that I am feeling emotionally down, but it is because of the enemy. I let something so minor get to me, but I know it is just satan trying to win his game. Well, it is working - but I am fighting. Today's other reality is I talk a lot. I never shut up. I don't know why I do it. Then again, I can't stop either. I have tried. I have cried out to God. Sometimes, I do not want the voice I have. I wish I was a woman of few words. I see the looks people give me. I see the looks at work when people wish I would stop talking. I see the looks from people who think I am strange. My reality is I don't know where I fit in life. I love my career- but there has to be more. I feel lost- and have for awhile. I feel lost at my church. I feel lost in my family. I feel lost around my friends. Reality is I am a face lost in the crowd. The big reality is though that God loves me just as I am, flaws and all.
Day 3- Last night. Board game night at North Town. My heart fills with joy hanging out with fellow board gamers. I own my nerdiness. I learned new games. Played with a group I am not accustomed to. Enjoyed every moment. Enjoyed spending time with an old acquaintance/friend and introducing him to random new people. I also took a stand when someone wanted to talk to me privately. I told him I do not go off alone. He apologized for offending me last week. Well, dude, yeah. I had a right to be. Who in their right mind makes a joke about raping babies? Don't try to blame it on being a former sailor. Nor your social awkwardness. Aside form that, last night was enjoyable. Blended chocolate chai, seeing Karen and Michael, hanging out with pretty good people, playing copious amounts of board games? A night I will take any day.
Day 1- a dream
Day 2- your reality
Day 3- last night
Day 1- A dream. My dream. My dream is to be small. My dream is to loose all of the weight I carry and become within normal range. Normal, as in healthy. My dream is to no longer be considered grossly obese. This is not meant as a negative diss to myself. It is meant in a way that is honest and true. When I started my weight loss journey, I was 361 pounds. I am now bordering 346. I hate when people say I am beautiful the way I am. Yes, God created me in his image. I do not doubt that. But due to things out of my control ( and some within my control) I got this big. I don't think that was God's original design for me. I dream of a day when I do not stick out in a crowd because of my size. I dream of a day when a man sees me for who I am and not just the size of me.
Day 2- My reality. My reality is a place where only I know. Today's reality is that I am feeling emotionally down, but it is because of the enemy. I let something so minor get to me, but I know it is just satan trying to win his game. Well, it is working - but I am fighting. Today's other reality is I talk a lot. I never shut up. I don't know why I do it. Then again, I can't stop either. I have tried. I have cried out to God. Sometimes, I do not want the voice I have. I wish I was a woman of few words. I see the looks people give me. I see the looks at work when people wish I would stop talking. I see the looks from people who think I am strange. My reality is I don't know where I fit in life. I love my career- but there has to be more. I feel lost- and have for awhile. I feel lost at my church. I feel lost in my family. I feel lost around my friends. Reality is I am a face lost in the crowd. The big reality is though that God loves me just as I am, flaws and all.
Day 3- Last night. Board game night at North Town. My heart fills with joy hanging out with fellow board gamers. I own my nerdiness. I learned new games. Played with a group I am not accustomed to. Enjoyed every moment. Enjoyed spending time with an old acquaintance/friend and introducing him to random new people. I also took a stand when someone wanted to talk to me privately. I told him I do not go off alone. He apologized for offending me last week. Well, dude, yeah. I had a right to be. Who in their right mind makes a joke about raping babies? Don't try to blame it on being a former sailor. Nor your social awkwardness. Aside form that, last night was enjoyable. Blended chocolate chai, seeing Karen and Michael, hanging out with pretty good people, playing copious amounts of board games? A night I will take any day.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Morning Ramblings
Just some ramblings from my brain this morning.
How badly I want Jesus to come back, to end this suffering. Yet another death yesterday- this time the grandson of one of the most faith filled people I know. It was not just a death, it was a suicide. I am so SICK of the enemy getting into the heads of young people and skewing how they think just for his benefit. I come from an area where I used to be suicidal. It is this crazy thought process that consumes you and it is DIFFICULT to get out of! I am so thankful I was spared. I have watched people I care about loose loved ones this summer at an alarming rate. I know it is the cycle of life, but some of these people have been way too young. Babies born without a proper skull and brain and dying, people dying of uranium poisoning, pulmonary issues, dying on an operating table, etc.
Jesus, so many in pain! Can you please just give people rest, comfort and peace today? Help us live out this life we are still in. I am sorry for getting so caught up in the world around me. So many times I want to walk away. Not from you Lord, but from things like church. I am not perfect and I have many dark areas I am walking through. But I get so frustrated when I see people blinded by the smallest things that are glaringly wrong.
I also get frustrated by my selfish ways and other sins, but that is beside the point.
I want you. I want to serve you. I want to be passionately in love with you. But yet.... I don't. I can't. Why? When will my heart start coming after you?
I want to be in your word. I want to journal and do my devotions. I want to spend time in worship. Yet I do not. I want that living, thriving relationship with you. Yet...I do not pursue you. Please Lord! break these walls!
How badly I want Jesus to come back, to end this suffering. Yet another death yesterday- this time the grandson of one of the most faith filled people I know. It was not just a death, it was a suicide. I am so SICK of the enemy getting into the heads of young people and skewing how they think just for his benefit. I come from an area where I used to be suicidal. It is this crazy thought process that consumes you and it is DIFFICULT to get out of! I am so thankful I was spared. I have watched people I care about loose loved ones this summer at an alarming rate. I know it is the cycle of life, but some of these people have been way too young. Babies born without a proper skull and brain and dying, people dying of uranium poisoning, pulmonary issues, dying on an operating table, etc.
Jesus, so many in pain! Can you please just give people rest, comfort and peace today? Help us live out this life we are still in. I am sorry for getting so caught up in the world around me. So many times I want to walk away. Not from you Lord, but from things like church. I am not perfect and I have many dark areas I am walking through. But I get so frustrated when I see people blinded by the smallest things that are glaringly wrong.
I also get frustrated by my selfish ways and other sins, but that is beside the point.
I want you. I want to serve you. I want to be passionately in love with you. But yet.... I don't. I can't. Why? When will my heart start coming after you?
I want to be in your word. I want to journal and do my devotions. I want to spend time in worship. Yet I do not. I want that living, thriving relationship with you. Yet...I do not pursue you. Please Lord! break these walls!
Sunday, July 24, 2016
Leslie's LA Adventure!
Leslie’s LA Adventure!
My first flight- I sat next to a lady who works for YSD district office. That was fun because we definitely had stuff in common to talk about. My flight from Seattle to LA- I was in a back row. No one was in the middle seat. However, there was a girl going into 5th grade in the aisle seat. She was by herself, so it was like I became her entertainer (the flight attendants were relieved I bet!). This kid! Cracked me up. So many questions from her! She even tried to force feed me fruit snacks and beef jerky. I was thankful the two flights went well. I felt like God orchestrated where I sat and whom I was with for sure. Once I got to LA, Kristi and Whitney met me at the airport. So good to see them! They whisked me off to the Santa Monica Pier. We ate, played and enjoyed the ocean. Once we got back to the loft (an old UPS building!) we had just enough time to relax. We then walked to the main movie theater and saw Tarzan in 4DX! 4DX= 3D glasses, bursts of air and water and moving seats!
The week was a blur! We had a few days where we stayed home and worked on schoolwork (or I watched Netflix when Kristi and Whitney were at school!). Some of the many adventures:
• Birdies, a place that sells Donuts and Chicken (best sandwich ever!)~
• FIDM Scholarship store (yay plus size clothes!)
• The Briks ( funky place to eat where you can’t understand the menu)
* Trader Joes!!
• Co Co’s – best Boba tea ever!
• Dancing in downtown LA (except…I broke free and I left to go geocache!)
• Walking everywhere!
• Chik-FIL-a
• Sausage place ( Pair o Balls….ask me privately about that story)
• Little Tokyo (yay Mochi ice cream!)
• Fabric district
• Hillsong LA!
• Getty’s Museum!
• Tar Pits!
• Hollywood (walk of fame?)
• IHOP until midnight, with some surprise visitors!
• Todd coming home before I leave!
I might have forgotten some adventure! It was all so amazing though. My favorite was getting to pick Todd up the day before I left! It meant a lot to me to see “Daddy Todd”.
Thus brings us to the day I left. I feel like this situation was meant to grow me, stretch me, and move me from my comfort zone to a new place, without fear. I got to the LA airport with plenty of time. I went through security. If you don’t know, it is a JOY (not really) to go through TSA checkpoints. Heavy people and thermal scanners don’t mix. My weight is centered around my middle area. Thanks to that, my groin set it off. Yep, my groin. Nothing like a pat down just below the waist! I am waiting for my flight. I get a notification that it is delayed. Turns out another flight nabbed our plane and gate. I decide to go get a treat and grab a donut and sandwich from Dunkin Donuts. In the process, I struck up a conversation with this random lady who works at the airport. We kept it going for a good chunk of time! There was plenty of good humor and laughs. At the end, she randomly asks me if she can give me a hug. Talk about fun God moment! Roughly 30 minutes before boarding time, I look around and realize…no one is here. Gate change! I race to get to the right gate- clear to the other side of the airport. I check in and have a seat. One of the workers approaches me and asks for my boarding pass. She told me she was switching my seat so I have more room. At first, I was taken back- oh, weight sensitivities. I ended up with a row to myself and being one of the first on the plane! They announced the second delay. The flight coming in was late. OK, no big deal. I strike up a conversation with a 21-year-old woman named Aida. She had the cutest poodle with her. Turns out she is heading to….Spokane! We had the same connecting flight in San Fran to Seattle. Fast forward. They delay the flight more…because of an issue with the thing that connects outside that we walk on. By the time we get on the plane, it is maybe 6:30…. we ended up having to sit on the PLANE for even longer. Things were not fully cleared yet. The flight attendants were already at 12 hours because they started in Boston. The one plugged her phone in next to me and struck up conversation. Keep in mind- I have my own row in the very back! God’s mini blessings in disguise I call it. By the time the plane leaves, I have already missed my connecting flight in San Fran. Which means I have missed my flight in Seattle. Exhale. I don’t like change. But ALAS! God put Aida on the flight with me! She also missed her flights. Once the plane landed, together we embarked on the journey to get our flights rebooked, food waivers and hotel. We started the process by 9:45ish? It took the poor guy over an hour to rebook and find us a hotel. The city was pretty full. We waited for a shuttle, got to the hotel and in our rooms by 12:30. Aida and I hopped on the 4:10 am shuttle and said our goodbyes. She really was a God send! I could have NOT done it without her! Alaska was not open yet, so I had to print my boarding pass. Only one came out. I had to go through the thermal scan again…and yup! My groin set it off…again. My second pat down below the waist. So unbelievably awkward. I am walking around, confused on how to get to my gate. I finally find it. The lady struggled printing my next boarding pass, and admitted American Airlines wasn’t the best (that is who I started my journey with). I go waste time before my flight by getting breakfast. I strike up a conversation with the guy behind me and told him about my adventures. Keep in mind I am still in San Fran. Turns out he has a place in Goldendale! I got on my flight and was so excited when we landed in Seattle. I went to get off the plane….and the guy from Goldendale says enjoy getting back to Yakima! Turns out he was the captain of the plane. Maybe I should pay better attention to uniforms next time, LOL. I did not have any problems with my flight to Yakima, other than a guy who yelled at people in Seattle and again when we got into Yakima. When I got to Yakima, I booked it out. I should have slowed down, because I missed Bryan Ford by a hair! I got to say hi to his wifey though. I was so excited to see Ed and get my luggage. Neither was there. Oh well! By the time the counter was open, Ed got there. We ended up having a great talk with Cass’ mom as she filled out my missing luggage report. It was another God moment! We got updated on some pretty serious family stuff and now know how to pray. It would not have happened if it were not for my luggage not making the plane! Luckily, my stuff got rushed from the SF airport and made the next flight to Yakima. Aida got her stuff in Spokane on time…lucky duck! In the end, my trip was great. God worked in so many little random ways it made me realize how blessed I really am.
My first flight- I sat next to a lady who works for YSD district office. That was fun because we definitely had stuff in common to talk about. My flight from Seattle to LA- I was in a back row. No one was in the middle seat. However, there was a girl going into 5th grade in the aisle seat. She was by herself, so it was like I became her entertainer (the flight attendants were relieved I bet!). This kid! Cracked me up. So many questions from her! She even tried to force feed me fruit snacks and beef jerky. I was thankful the two flights went well. I felt like God orchestrated where I sat and whom I was with for sure. Once I got to LA, Kristi and Whitney met me at the airport. So good to see them! They whisked me off to the Santa Monica Pier. We ate, played and enjoyed the ocean. Once we got back to the loft (an old UPS building!) we had just enough time to relax. We then walked to the main movie theater and saw Tarzan in 4DX! 4DX= 3D glasses, bursts of air and water and moving seats!
The week was a blur! We had a few days where we stayed home and worked on schoolwork (or I watched Netflix when Kristi and Whitney were at school!). Some of the many adventures:
• Birdies, a place that sells Donuts and Chicken (best sandwich ever!)~
• FIDM Scholarship store (yay plus size clothes!)
• The Briks ( funky place to eat where you can’t understand the menu)
* Trader Joes!!
• Co Co’s – best Boba tea ever!
• Dancing in downtown LA (except…I broke free and I left to go geocache!)
• Walking everywhere!
• Chik-FIL-a
• Sausage place ( Pair o Balls….ask me privately about that story)
• Little Tokyo (yay Mochi ice cream!)
• Fabric district
• Hillsong LA!
• Getty’s Museum!
• Tar Pits!
• Hollywood (walk of fame?)
• IHOP until midnight, with some surprise visitors!
• Todd coming home before I leave!
I might have forgotten some adventure! It was all so amazing though. My favorite was getting to pick Todd up the day before I left! It meant a lot to me to see “Daddy Todd”.
Thus brings us to the day I left. I feel like this situation was meant to grow me, stretch me, and move me from my comfort zone to a new place, without fear. I got to the LA airport with plenty of time. I went through security. If you don’t know, it is a JOY (not really) to go through TSA checkpoints. Heavy people and thermal scanners don’t mix. My weight is centered around my middle area. Thanks to that, my groin set it off. Yep, my groin. Nothing like a pat down just below the waist! I am waiting for my flight. I get a notification that it is delayed. Turns out another flight nabbed our plane and gate. I decide to go get a treat and grab a donut and sandwich from Dunkin Donuts. In the process, I struck up a conversation with this random lady who works at the airport. We kept it going for a good chunk of time! There was plenty of good humor and laughs. At the end, she randomly asks me if she can give me a hug. Talk about fun God moment! Roughly 30 minutes before boarding time, I look around and realize…no one is here. Gate change! I race to get to the right gate- clear to the other side of the airport. I check in and have a seat. One of the workers approaches me and asks for my boarding pass. She told me she was switching my seat so I have more room. At first, I was taken back- oh, weight sensitivities. I ended up with a row to myself and being one of the first on the plane! They announced the second delay. The flight coming in was late. OK, no big deal. I strike up a conversation with a 21-year-old woman named Aida. She had the cutest poodle with her. Turns out she is heading to….Spokane! We had the same connecting flight in San Fran to Seattle. Fast forward. They delay the flight more…because of an issue with the thing that connects outside that we walk on. By the time we get on the plane, it is maybe 6:30…. we ended up having to sit on the PLANE for even longer. Things were not fully cleared yet. The flight attendants were already at 12 hours because they started in Boston. The one plugged her phone in next to me and struck up conversation. Keep in mind- I have my own row in the very back! God’s mini blessings in disguise I call it. By the time the plane leaves, I have already missed my connecting flight in San Fran. Which means I have missed my flight in Seattle. Exhale. I don’t like change. But ALAS! God put Aida on the flight with me! She also missed her flights. Once the plane landed, together we embarked on the journey to get our flights rebooked, food waivers and hotel. We started the process by 9:45ish? It took the poor guy over an hour to rebook and find us a hotel. The city was pretty full. We waited for a shuttle, got to the hotel and in our rooms by 12:30. Aida and I hopped on the 4:10 am shuttle and said our goodbyes. She really was a God send! I could have NOT done it without her! Alaska was not open yet, so I had to print my boarding pass. Only one came out. I had to go through the thermal scan again…and yup! My groin set it off…again. My second pat down below the waist. So unbelievably awkward. I am walking around, confused on how to get to my gate. I finally find it. The lady struggled printing my next boarding pass, and admitted American Airlines wasn’t the best (that is who I started my journey with). I go waste time before my flight by getting breakfast. I strike up a conversation with the guy behind me and told him about my adventures. Keep in mind I am still in San Fran. Turns out he has a place in Goldendale! I got on my flight and was so excited when we landed in Seattle. I went to get off the plane….and the guy from Goldendale says enjoy getting back to Yakima! Turns out he was the captain of the plane. Maybe I should pay better attention to uniforms next time, LOL. I did not have any problems with my flight to Yakima, other than a guy who yelled at people in Seattle and again when we got into Yakima. When I got to Yakima, I booked it out. I should have slowed down, because I missed Bryan Ford by a hair! I got to say hi to his wifey though. I was so excited to see Ed and get my luggage. Neither was there. Oh well! By the time the counter was open, Ed got there. We ended up having a great talk with Cass’ mom as she filled out my missing luggage report. It was another God moment! We got updated on some pretty serious family stuff and now know how to pray. It would not have happened if it were not for my luggage not making the plane! Luckily, my stuff got rushed from the SF airport and made the next flight to Yakima. Aida got her stuff in Spokane on time…lucky duck! In the end, my trip was great. God worked in so many little random ways it made me realize how blessed I really am.
Saturday, October 17, 2015
October 18th
It was time I picked up my pencil and wrote again. If you don't know my story, my birthday brings a lot of memories- good and bad. This year, it has been extremely tough - I have been plagued with old memories and past chains that USED to surround me and keep me shackled.
This is what I wrote in response and my cry out to God.
October 18th, 2004
I can still remember that dark night, some years ago.
I was ready to give up the ultimate fight- the fight for my own life.
I sped down that road without a second thought in my mind.
Oncoming traffic- headed my way.
Your voice was so strong in my head- NO! GO THE OTHER WAY!
I straightened out my steering wheel and kept on my way.
Up ahead, there was a break in the rail. On the otherside; a steep, dark hill.
Faster and faster I sped- headed that way.
Again, I could hear your voice- NO! GO THE OTHER WAY!
I kept going late into the night, finally finding my way home.
In one last attempt, I reached into my trunk to grab what should have been there.
My hands came out empty. In that moment, I realized you wouldn't let me die.
I look back at that night; thankful you didn't let me go.
My story has not yet ended because you have a greater plan instore for me.
This is what I wrote in response and my cry out to God.
October 18th, 2004
I can still remember that dark night, some years ago.
I was ready to give up the ultimate fight- the fight for my own life.
I sped down that road without a second thought in my mind.
Oncoming traffic- headed my way.
Your voice was so strong in my head- NO! GO THE OTHER WAY!
I straightened out my steering wheel and kept on my way.
Up ahead, there was a break in the rail. On the otherside; a steep, dark hill.
Faster and faster I sped- headed that way.
Again, I could hear your voice- NO! GO THE OTHER WAY!
I kept going late into the night, finally finding my way home.
In one last attempt, I reached into my trunk to grab what should have been there.
My hands came out empty. In that moment, I realized you wouldn't let me die.
I look back at that night; thankful you didn't let me go.
My story has not yet ended because you have a greater plan instore for me.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Words
Jesus, hold my heart and hand. I feel like the world has such a crushing force. I know my sight is on you, but stubbornness sometimes gets in the way. I so easily lose sight and get caught in this world. I want to be focused on you daily and not caught in the web of the world around me. Lord please show me how to love you every day. Go before me and prepare the way. You are my salvation. Wipe my slate clean daily Lord. Help me be a vessel for you Lord.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Sometimes, you just have to type a prayer...
Today is a brand new day. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex Lord. I give this brand new day to you. I pray I would remember your teaching from last night. My mind is still blown away from that prayer time. I have been holding on for way too long Lord. These burdens- big and small are NOT mine to carry. The burden I FELT I owed S- it is released into your hands. The burden I used to feel towards those in my life- released to you. I am a blessing, not a burden. I pray that I would continue to live in this today. Help me acknowledge truth for truth, and lies for lies.
Today is going to be different. I have my first sub job. I pray for wisdom, and the knowledge of what to do. Any fear hiding in my heart- I give to you right now Lord. I can and will walk into that High school with confidence Lord.
Ed- I pray you would heal his ankle Lord, and give the doctor's wisdom on what to do. please give him peace and comfort.
Parents- I pray for their salvation. Please Lord- use someone as a vessel to witness to them. They need you, just like I do Lord. Help me choose to forgive my parents, and love them today Lord.
Jan&John- be with them tomorrow and they unite in marriage Lord. I pray for the blending of these two families. Be ever present Lord, and rain down your LOVE and PEACE.
Kristi- heal that finger Lord! I praise you for it not being worse. thank you for the Odman family, and the blessing they have been to me. Thank you for showing me your truth and love through their actions Lord. I want that for my family someday.
Thank you for your word, and the ability to listen to it via a bible app. We are so blessed as a nation....I pray we would not take that for granted.
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